How to Make and Keep Adult Friendships

Contrary to common experience, I haven’t wondered how to make friends as an adult woman. Friendships seem to fall into my lap. Making friends is easy. Keeping them is hard.

Easy may be an oversimplification—simple may be a better word. Most of my friends have been products of a simple introduction. “Hi, my name is Emma. What’s yours?” usually does the trick.

It can be hard to meet new people, especially if you don’t have a naturally outgoing personality. I don’t know if I’m outgoing or if I just find people interesting and don’t care how they perceive me. I’m comfortable in my skin and I’m not afraid to be myself.

The hardest thing about adult friendships, in my experience, is maintaining them. Keeping friends as an adult is so challenging because life gets busier and fuller with each passing year. Between family responsibilities, work schedules, and location differences, it can feel impossible to make time for friends—but it doesn’t have to be. 

Building Meaningful Friendships in Adulthood

I want to focus mostly on nurturing relationships in this post, but I want to share a few tips for making friends that have worked for me.

Reach out to your existing social connections

If you’re moving to a new city or just trying to get plugged into your existing area, try reaching out to people you already know to see if they know anyone you could connect with. 

When I was in college, I lived in Atlanta for a summer and connected with a friend of a friend. She and her husband were a few years older than me, and they had me over for dinner a few times that summer. Their hospitality and kindness made my time in Atlanta great.

Explore groups and activities that help you meet new people

If you have a hobby or an interest, chances are, there is some kind of group for it. Knitting, line dancing, gaming, genealogical research, historical reenactment—you name it—there’s a group for it.

You can find activities like this in your town’s or county’s parks and recreation guide, at your local library, and on Facebook—there are so many great events advertised on Facebook. If you’re old school, you can check out bulletin boards and window advertisements at coffee shops and small businesses. 

Don’t be afraid to try something new, even if it means doing it alone. You’re likely to meet people through these activities, and you’ll already have a common interest to kickstart the relationship. 

Embrace the awkward infancy stage of making friends

The first few months of friendship are awkward—that’s just the way it is. Most people experience this, so you aren’t alone in feeling awkward. Just push through it knowing that it’s a universal feeling.

The first time I got coffee with one of my friends, we didn’t even have each other’s phone numbers, so we were communicating via email. I sent her an email when I arrived at the location where we were meeting. To make matters worse, we didn’t know anything about each other. We’d met briefly a few weeks prior through a mutual acquaintance.

That first coffee date was filled with awkward silences, but it was so much fun. Now, we rarely run out of things to talk about. 

Tips for Keeping Friendships Strong in Adulthood

Let’s hone in on the meat of this article — how to nurture adult friendships. Making friends can be a little scary, but it’s the easy part. Once you make them, keeping friends close is the real challenge — one that I’m still learning to navigate. 

Don’t be afraid to try new things

If not for my friends, I would have never tried trivia or bingo. I never would have gone to a baseball game or attended a line dancing class. I wouldn’t have discovered my love for Greta Van Fleet music or fantasy-romance books. 

Most of these things are not things I would have sought out on my own. But when people invite me to try something new, I usually say yes, even if I know I’m probably not going to like it.

For years, my roommate tried to get me to go hiking with her and some of her friends. I never went—until a few months ago, nearly ten years into our friendship... 

Always follow up

A big part of nurturing friendships is following up. Usually, I do this in the form of thank-you notes. 

I love sending and receiving mail (and buying stationery). Any time I have a good time with a friend or they do something nice for me, I usually send them a quick thank-you note. Sometimes I include a sticker or a little tchotchke. 

If I don’t have their address, I’ll usually send them a text letting them know I had a good time. This simple act keeps the conversation going and usually gives them a reason to smile.

Be the first one to text

I’ve seen a lot of posts on social media about how you shouldn’t be the one to text first. People have conducted experiments—they stopped texting their friends first, and they had significantly fewer interactions with their social circle. People claim this helps them know who their true friends are—true friends should reach out first. 

I disagree with this wholeheartedly.

Imagine what would happen if everyone adopted this mindset. No one would reach out to anyone.

Be the first person to reach out. You don’t know why someone else isn’t texting you. They may be having a hard time emotionally. They may be struggling with something that they don’t know how to talk about. They may not have natural communication skills. They may have other things on their mind. 

Do everyday things together

Have you ever done a Sam’s Club haul with one of your friends? Or gone bra shopping? 

If you haven’t, you’re missing out. Sometimes, doing the mundane things is the best way to keep friends close.

Last weekend, one of my college friends came over to help me prep a few meals. Even though we spent the afternoon chopping vegetables, burning muffins, and feeding my dog chunks of sweet potato, it was a great time. We chatted and laughed and just enjoyed each other’s company. 

Actually put things on the calendar

“We should catch up sometime,” is one of the emptiest statements you can make to a friend, followed closely by, “We need to get together soon.”

These kinds of statements rarely convert to an action. If you truly want to reconnect with a friend, take the extra two minutes to find a time that works for you—right then and there.

If you don’t actually want to catch up with someone or spend time with them, don’t set expectations of reconnection, lest your relationship sour. 

Embrace life changes

The strongest friendships are the ones that make it through life changes: marriages, children, divorces, sickness, changes in location, changes in interest. 

When you’re young, many of your friends are a result of proximity and shared experiences. As an adult, your relationships are much more diverse, and often segmented. You have work friends, church friends, family friends, etc. You spend time with people in certain contexts, and when that context changes, you may lose the friendship. But you don’t have to. 

I’m twenty-eight years old, have been married for six years, and do not have children. This is unusual for married women of my age in my area—most of them are on their second or third child by now. 

I really struggled when my friends first started having children. It created an unavoidable change in our relationship dynamic—they started to care about different things, they had different priorities, and they were experiencing different things. Just as they changed, so did I. I had to learn how to be their friend all over again. 

This meant spending time with them at their houses, washing dishes, or bringing them a meal. Dropping by during nap time with a cup of coffee. Inviting them to things and checking in with them, even though I knew they wouldn’t have the time or emotional availability for me. It meant being their friend, even if they couldn’t be mine. 

Know when to let go

In the best circumstances, letting go should come naturally. 

Growing up in the Lowcountry of South Carolina, I remember wading into the ocean, my toes buried in the sand. I’d brace myself against the waves crashing to shore and stare at the place where the sky swallowed the sea. And when I’d turn back, I’d realize I had drifted down the coast, my mom a speck in the distance.

The best friendships end this way—without you even realizing it. 

Perhaps you move away or enter a different life stage from your friend. You may naturally drift apart or find yourself busy with other things. You see each other less and less frequently. Before you know it, you haven’t spoken in a year. Then two. You remember your time together fondly, but you know the season for closeness has passed. 

Other times, it’s not as easy to let go. There are circumstances when it’s impossible to continue with a friendship: abuse, dishonesty, insurmountable challenges. Don’t be afraid to let go in these circumstances.

. . .

Making friends as an adult woman doesn’t have to be complicated — it just requires willingness to get outside of your comfort zone and embrace uncertainty. These things aren’t easy, but they are worth it!

What’s the hardest part of making friends for you? Keeping friends? Share with me in the comments. 👇