The seventh draft is done, and it’s time to stop making excuses. 

I’ve been writing a book, Called from Darkness, since I was about sixteen years old. It started with a nightmare I had while visiting my grandmother on her farm in rural North Dakota's Great Plains. I shelved it for a decade and came back to it about two years ago. I kept the characters and the major plot elements, but I fleshed it out into something deeper and darker than my sixteen-year-old brain could have imagined—an exploration of fear and guilt and how organized religion shapes our experience of the world.

I probably didn’t need to write seven drafts of this book, but I wanted it to be perfect, and it’s as close to perfect as I can get it. My next step is to stop doubting myself and submit it for publication. 

Five main publishing houses (Penguin Random House, HarperCollins, Simon & Schuster, Hachette, and Macmillan) control the vast majority of publishing deals in the United States and often require a literary agent to consider works for publication. I’m planning to submit my manuscript to indie publishers. Indie publishers provide a route to traditional publishing (vs. self-publishing) that does not require an agent. These publishers are small and usually allow authors to have a larger say in the publishing process. 

As far back as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a published author. From writing family newsletters on my mom’s desktop computer to submitting short stories and essays to teen literary journals, I’ve been writing and attempting to be published for nearly my entire literate life. Now, at twenty-nine, I have dozens of bylines under my belt, from newspapers and magazines to literary journals and anthologies. Yet it doesn’t feel like enough. 

My first printed byline was in a 2015 issue of TeenInk. The publication emailed me while I was in study hall during my senior year of high school. I ran to the payphone in the school office to call my mom and tell her the good news. Other notifications of publication have been met with similar enthusiasm, but it gets less and less intense each time.

I was talking to my husband a few days ago and told him that I don’t think I’ll be satisfied in life if I don’t see one of my books traditionally published. I don’t want to feel this way, but it’s where I am.

I know that publishing a novel won’t satisfy me. The target is always moving, and once I reach that goal of publication, it will move again. And again. And again. There will always be another box to check. Another challenge to overcome. 

Truthfully, writing has given me so much, even without a published book to my name, and I want that to be enough. While I’m still working on the contentment piece, here are three things writing has given me. 

Gifts from Writing

Career

I never thought I’d be able to make a career out of writing, but I have been working as a workplace writer for nearly a decade—making good money and building my marketing and communication skills. This structured work has helped me grow as a creative writer and gain confidence as a communicator. 

Without these experiences, I likely wouldn’t have started my blog and newsletter, I wouldn’t have participated in local author events, and I certainly wouldn’t be querying my novel. 

Community

Writing has given me community. Between my local critique group and the connections I’ve made through the Virginia Writers Club, bookish events, and online groups, I’ve surrounded myself with others who love the written word as much as I do—maybe even more. 

Some of my most cherished memories of the past decade have been with author friends—celebrating their book launches, attending readings, or chatting about inspiration and craft over cups of coffee. There’s a deep kinship in sitting down with someone who understands your need to write. 

Creative Outlet

I’m a fairly creative person. Between knitting, crochet, photography, and writing, I’m always making something, tangible or imaginary. 

Writing has given me a creative outlet unlike any other. I can always turn to a sheet of paper or a notes document and create something out of nothing, even if it’s just jotting down ideas or a single line. My imagination runs wild when I’m writing and gives me a little reprieve from real life. 

To date, I’ve submitted three queries. I haven’t heard back on any of them yet, but I’m hopeful. I did my research and selected publishers who specialize in speculative fiction, I personalized my queries, and had writer friends and my editor review my query package. 

Part of me will always want to see my book in print, but I’m learning to be content with the gifts writing has given me, even if one of them isn’t a publishing deal.